Communicating Effectively
Communicating effectively is an invaluable skill especially if you're a person who likes to make an impact on the world rather than a person who just ‘goes with the flow’. Many of the most powerful, influential and successful people throughout history were made so by the very fact that they were such artfully persuasive communicators. From a personal development standpoint, learning to utilise your communication skills effectively is fundamental to producing your desired outcomes with ease and finesse. If you're a leader, your ability to communicate persuasively and effectively will play a major role in convincing others to follow you. For a coach, your communication skills will help to determine whether your client makes effective changes and achieves break-through results. People who communicate effectively take into account three things: the message, which is about the content and structure of the communication; the medium, where spoken is usually more effective than written; and the audience – their age, gender, self-esteem, prior beliefs etc.
To communicate effectively and with the greatest effect, the sender must be clear on the purpose of the communication e.g. is the communication meant to inform the receiver, enlist his/her support, influence/convince the person in a certain way, gain commitment from the person and/or ‘sell’ a message to the receiver? Depending on the purpose, the message will be worded differently and the means of communication may differ. For example, if the intention is to inform, the message will have all the facts - dates, times, figures, expected returns etc. If it is to enlist support, there will be a ‘pull’ at the heartstrings – an emotional trigger – followed by a ‘call to action’ e.g. ‘Sign up now!’ To convince a person you also need to appeal to their preferred communication style. Do they need more than the facts? Would they relate better to specific examples of application? Do they need to see the ‘bigger picture’ first? To gain commitment there’s always an element of WIIFM (What’s in it for me?) – a reasonable question and one that you should be prepared to answer clearly and succinctly. Otherwise you will not come across as convincing and you will not ‘sell’ others on the concept or the idea or have them buy your services.
Whatever the method of communication, it needs to be appropriate to the audience. For example, a message to convey bad news is best communicated by meeting with the person in person. After the initial shock they may have numerous questions about how this news affects them and their life or job, questions which can only be addressed at the personal level, not by a written communication. Methods of communication include:
- Verbal – face to face interview, presentations, workshops, training programs, video conferencing
- Non-verbal – posture, gestures, facial expressions, skin colour
- Written – memo, email, proposal, business letter
When you communicate you assume that the words you use mean something - and they do - but the meaning of a particular collection of words might not be accurately received by the person with whom you are communicating. You may be surprised when that person responds to your communication in an unexpected way. Accepting that the response to your communication is the measure of its success, and being prepared to alter your communication to solicit the response you are looking for, instantly empowers you to become a more successful communicator.
When it comes to personal communication, anything between you and the other person is a barrier. That’s why, when you need to make absolutely sure that your message is received, you should meet with the other person without tables in between you, or at least with a low table between you and never sit opposite the person, always on the side or at an angle to them. This disallows a confrontation position (front on) and suggests that you’re on their side, and your communication will become more effective.
There are three types of communicators – assertive, passive and aggressive. The assertive communicator gets their needs met, whereas passive communicators forego their needs for the sake of ‘peace’, and aggressive communicators attempt to meet their needs through exerting force.
Assertive communication
Assertive communication is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings and desires clearly and with conviction to get your needs met. Assertive people know what they want and how to get it, and surround themselves with people who interact in this way. Assertive people communicate with respect for the boundaries of themselves and others. They take a vital interest in their own welfare and that of others. For example, if another person’s actions threaten their boundaries, assertive people address this concern immediately. Assertive people have control over their anger and are willing to compromise. They are able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships with other people. They tend to have a healthy self-esteem, know their rights and exert them when necessary.
As a communication technique, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity principally by the way people deal with personal boundaries - their own and those of other people. Assertive communicators focus on the issue, not the person. They tend to have the following characteristics:
- they feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires;
- they are able to initiate and maintain comfortable relationships with other people.
- they know their rights;
- they control their anger. This does not mean that they repress this feeling; it means that they talk about it in a reasoning manner;
- they are willing to compromise with others, rather than always wanting their own way; and
- they tend to have good self-esteem.
Techniques to assist people to become more assertive include broken record, fogging, negative enquiry, negative inquiry and the use of I-statements.
Aggressive communication
Aggressive or passive communicators do not respect the personal boundaries of others and are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. They tend to judge, threaten, lie, break confidences, stonewall and violate others' boundaries. Aggressive people are unable to control their emotions. It becomes all about them! They frequently act in a bullying style, demanding, overbearing and intimidating manner to get their needs met. They don’t respect others or their needs. They can become loud, obnoxious, sarcastic and condescending. Sometimes this leads to physical violence or the threat of it e.g. fists clenched, face red, breathing measured. At this time, they may become irrational and it is impossible to deal with someone who is irrational using the typical problem-solving skills. Their focus can quickly turn from the issue to a personal attach on the other person. It's only when the aggressor has calmed down that a rational conversation can be conducted with them.
Passive communication
Passive communicators are noted for their silence. You don’t know if they agree, disagree or hold a different position. All you can do is make an assumption, which may be right or wrong. Passive communicators have little respect for themselves and put the needs and opinions of others before their own. They tend not to defend their personal boundaries and allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them through fear. They are typically not likely to take a risk or try to influence others.
People who are passive communicators often have low self-esteem. Typically they let others ‘walk all over them’ without seeming to notice or care. They allow others to violate their boundaries. They frequently look down, avoiding eye contact. They may also put their hand over their mouth, as if ‘silencing’ themselves from speaking. When they do allow themselves to speak, their communication can often come out as aggressive. Hence passive communicators my ‘flip’ to becoming aggressive when they cannot ‘hold out’ any more e.g. when someone has continually put them down, told them they are ‘no good’, or demeaned them many, many times in some way.
Such ‘flip’ behaviour is often seen in counselling rooms, when, for example, the counsellor may take the side of the passive communicator (the victim). If the counsellor (the rescuer) speaks negatively about their aggressor (the persecutor), the passive communicator may ‘flip’ to defend the aggressor in a matter of seconds, making the counsellor the ‘victim’.
This modified excerpt is taken from the book “Positive Psychology Coaching” by Dr Susanne Knowles which is available from www.amazon.com and www.barnesandnoble.com.
Book Reviews and a Book Trainer are available on www.susanne.knowles.com.
